Enduring the Beauty of Life...pain lies within
So as I closed my eyes finally to go to sleep at 3Am in the morning, my phone rang and it was my mother sobbing like a whimpering raven. I could not understand why she was weeping so horridly. I candidly joked with my mum and asked her what the matter was, as she began to tell me, my doorbell rang. I asked my mum whether I could put her on hold whilst I go and open the door. Of course I was rather astonished to who would be calling me at the door for me at these wee hours in the morning. I opened the door and two uniformed men from the constabulary office were outside my main door. The first thought that came to my mind was..Oh God..something happened to my boyfriend!! I asked calmly but nervously what was it all about that they were calling me upon at this early morning hour. They told me that my mum has phoned them because my mum was worried that I had gone to hurt myself. I was indeed flabbergasted by their statement and wondered what they were speaking about. By this time I have forgotten that my mum was on the phone still waiting for me to return. The two Bobbies told me that my mum received an email from me, "a suicide note." I began to laugh and thought this was a prank that someone is pulling upon me; but they were both stoic and not a smile upon their faces can be traced. So I asked you are serious about this, aren't you? One of the men replied "I am afraid so." I asked for the copy of the note that they spoke about; and there it was, indeed a note in black and white bearing my very name. As examined the message, I took notice of the email address, it was an address of which I have not used actively in the last two years. Now by this time my thoughts were running wildly trying to remember who would have had the cruelty to send such an email to my darling mother. Who has my password to this email address? Who would do such a thing to a poor mother? Alas, it all came to me, the only person who would have known the password to this email was my ex. This is the most cruel and insensitive thing that anyone could have ever done to me. My darling mother went through grueling hours during the night wondering whether her only daughter is alive or not. She was not able to comprehend why her happy daughter was thinking of ending her life and hurting her darling mum as that. Certainly, there is not a reason in this world that shall indeed make me end a beautiful life. I shall take a bullet meant for my boyfriend, my mum or my child but I shant ever think of taking away a precious gift that was given to me. Such thought never have entered my mind even under the worst circumstances I was put under. There is not forgiveness for someone who is selfish enough to end such beauty that was given to them.
Never have I expected that the man whom I have shared my life with would hurt not just me as that but my mum who never once said a negative word about him. We have been apart for so long and I have moved on indeed with my life. I am probably the nicest ex wife out there who asked nothing from him instead gave so much so to ease his pain from our separation. To this day I speak no ill about him. I bother not any of his friends or his family. I often wonder if I were nasty and wee bit bitchy, would the world be kinder to me. More often than not, I find people disliking me for who I am. Just prior to this incident this morning, I have an email frommy ex husband's girlfriend telling me that I have destroyed him. It is what I did that he thinks about. What I did was I finally became honest with my feelings. I have come to the end of the road of the false pretenses that I have subjected myself into living in all those years. I know that I did us both the favour to seek the real happiness that we both deserve. I can no longer placate to people and conform to what is norm to most.
Though I put a facade of not caring about what people think of me, I do ache inside and wonder why exs of my bf and present love of whomever and random people I meet dislike me so much. I am not arrogant nor do I act mightily better than anyone. I always am respectful and cordial to everyone. I do give what is shown to me in the same manner it was handed to me. I appreciate beauty, never have I competed with my fellow women for attention. I never knew the word "catty" until so recently. To my eyes, beauty is an individual trait that cannot be judged through pageantry. That is the very reason why I do abhor beauty pageants. You cannot compare one woman to the next and judge them from their physicality. I rarely get jealous when a woman pays special attention to my boyfriend, in fact I am flattered that not only I can see the beauty that I am attracted to about him but others can see it as well. I do not ask for acceptance nor do I wish to belong to a group or creed; all I ask really is to be regarded like a person, a human being who bears pain when hurt.
To those people who like me, all I ask is for them to treat me like everyone else, not some royalty who needs a pedestal to stand on. I came to this country to be away from such treatment. Why can not I walk in the street and not be noticed? Shall I long for these types of adulations when they are gone? I reckon so, but from time to time I do wish that I shall be like every other girl on the street, someone who can invisibly walk without a single comment from every other bloke passing by. I am appreciative of the physical beauty I was born with, but sometimes I do wonder whether it is the very reason why I do find the difficulty where to belong. There are times when I do suspect that none too many really wants to learn who I am as a person. I feel like I am a show piece that every one gawks at from a store window.
It is a rarity indeed to be so openly descriptive of my feelings; today is one of those days where my pain is just too much to bear that I need to vent out a little of that seething steam that has enveloped my soul these last 24 hours. I am normally a happy go lucky person who cares not about the opinion of others when it comes to my being. It does feel wonderfully rejuvenating to be able to let out what pains me from time to time.
I do have a lot to thank for that is why I complain so rarely about my life. I do have a lovely life indeed with a wonderful man.
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